"Always ready"
Experts have refuted the main myths about sex
RIA Novosti, Tatiana Pichugina.
Despite the huge amount of information on the Web, sexual literacy in the country leaves much to be desired. Western values also play a negative role — some of them, according to experts, contradict our traditions. RIA Novosti found out what problems Russians face in the intimate sphere.
Oleg Gulko, sexologist at the KarpovkaPlus Center, St. Petersburg
The specialty of a sexologist was approved in the USSR in 1977. It was required to graduate from a medical university, an internship in psychiatry and a residency. And after that, to be engaged in the diagnosis of sexual disorders, to help patients, starting from childhood, married couples. Paradoxically, sexology is not taught in medical schools, so doctors of related professions — urologists, gynecologists, neuropathologists — rarely refer to a specialized specialist.
Most men deal with erectile dysfunction, women most often have problems with lack of attraction and lack of orgasm. As a rule, these disorders can be corrected — if, of course, you do it. Another group of complaints is related to interpersonal relationships and perceptions of the opposite sex.
Because of the low level of knowledge, people have a lot of prejudices. One of the most stable is associated with masturbation. It has long been proven that at the stage of growing up, it serves as a tool for cognition of the body, and later it is resorted to out of necessity. However, until now, fears about the consequences create difficulties in life and relationships. With all the excess of information, there are clients who do not know where the partner has, for example, the clitoris, what its function is. Women sometimes have no idea how their own genitals work. One of the tasks in therapy is to study your body in the mirror.
Pseudo—specialists spread a lot of false information - for example, about a squirt orgasm or strengthening the muscles of the vagina as exclusively necessary for sexual harmony in a couple. One of the oldest myths is associated with a woman's G-spot. If only everything was so simple: you click on a certain place — and you get pleasure. Alas, it doesn't work that way.
Young men and girls who cannot build strong relationships, start a family come to the reception. It turns out that some have distorted ideas about the sexual side of life, others are hindered by prohibitions related to education. Failures in love are reflected in socialization. It's not just about the pleasure of genital contact, but also in interaction with others. Therefore, many sexologists receive education in the field of psychology and psychotherapy.
Valentina Snegovaya, sex psychologist, Saint Petersburg
After studying at the pedagogical faculty, I chose the specialization of a family psychologist, and then a sexologist. They come to me mainly for psychological help. The trend now is the search for a couple, a crisis in marriage, infidelity, a change of partner. During gender holidays, the theme of loneliness becomes more acute.
A classic of the genre: a wife gets a lover and begins to compare him with her husband, the question arises whether to keep the family or divorce. They often deal with various sexual problems — for example, lack of orgasm.
In recent years, late virginity has been in fashion. Despite the huge amount of information on the Web, young people often do not know what to do with a partner. They study well, build a career, but they have difficulty communicating and cannot build relationships. But they dream of living happily, and the family gives a guarantee of this. There was such a case: a woman at 28 is not ready to part with her virginity, although she has been married for eight years. The spouses practice everything except natural intercourse, and the man, of course, is not satisfied with this. At the reception, it turned out that she had a fear of motherhood, and he was not ready to wait any longer.
Another example is a 27—year-old young man who is afraid of women after an unsuccessful sexual encounter. Or a 24-year-old boy who, after our classes, began to get acquainted a little on the Internet, go on dates.
There are many clients with pathological behavior: incest, BDSM, LGBT. Because of Western propaganda, norms are erased, people think that everything is allowed, but in the end they turn to a specialist with the question of how to become normal.
The pandemic has seen the peak of divorces over the past ten years. Many have become disillusioned with their partner — they have stopped arranging, they do not want to support him during a difficult period, for example, if they lose earnings or work capacity as a result of illness. The spouse wants to get a divorce and find someone who will support her, because she considers her husband only as a source of well-being.
Or, let's say a woman married a slender man, and now he has grown fat and resembles a pregnant man. She has a feeling that she has been deceived. My main task is to keep the family together, but in some cases divorce is a release and an opportunity to find a relationship where there will be mutual support in any situation.
Our society as a whole does not perceive Western values. Always choose yourself, love anyone — these formulas don't work for us. Swing does not work as a medicine, only six percent of couples practice it in megacities. Russians are not ready for free love. It is important to us who we are with, where our partner is, a man must be sure that this is his child. The cult of entertainment, life without prospects is not for us. When a 35-year-old woman suddenly discovers that she is losing her attractiveness, it is difficult for her to find a partner who would like to have children with her. The value of the family has not gone away, because there are spiritual needs. Endless selfishness eventually leads to loneliness.
In my work, 90 percent are sexprosvet, despite the fact that the main contingent is 40—year—old family people. For example, I am concerned about the question of where the old passion has gone, how to return it. Many simply have little sexual experience, knowledge of the anatomy and physiology of the partner.
Adolescents have a lack of information about the period of puberty, there are no elementary ideas about contraception. Young men have common prejudices about the length of the penis and the duration of sexual intercourse, girls — about how to achieve orgasm. The prevailing myth is that everything will work out by itself, like in porn. But watching it at a young age leads to psychotrauma. At school, it is necessary to introduce sexual education — for example, as part of a course on ethics and psychology of family life.
Sergey Kumchenko, psychologist-sexologist, Secrets Center for Family and Sexual Education, Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University, Moscow
At the beginning of the XX century, the German doctor Ivan Bloch proposed the term "sexology", designating them a science that should study sexual relations in all manifestations — not only medical, but also cultural, psychological. From the very beginning, sexology has become an interdisciplinary field of knowledge. So it was represented by the Russian scientist Igor Kon.
Indeed, not all sexual disorders can be explained solely by biological reasons. There are many psychological factors — so, when talking about their sex, motives, features, clients unwittingly embellish details or keep silent about something. They are often guided in intimate life by various myths that do not correspond to physiological reality: for example, they talk about simultaneous (synchronous) orgasm and try to achieve it with all their might, which shifts the focus of attention from the process to the result, as in sports. So close to family-sexual disharmony.
There is a widespread belief that a woman should not initiate sexual intercourse. Not only is it a relic of the Victorian era. So also the famous sexologists William Masters and Virginia Johnson formulated in the middle of the XX century a direct reverse recommendation — sometimes it is better to start first. This is due to the discovery of the human sexual cycle, which includes four stages: arousal, rhythmic plateau, sensual peak — orgasm and relaxation. Since women develop it longer on average, the initiative on her part entails the joint satisfaction of partners.
Another misconception: a man should always be "ready"— which also does not take into account the physiological side, emotional needs. In the end, a person can overwork at work, experience discomfort from social pressure to constantly "be a man" and be corny offended by something on a woman. All this is not conducive to sex. In some cases, the so-called psychogenic erectile dysfunction occurs: a phenomenon in which the penis retains the biological spontaneity of an erection, for example, in the morning or when watching pornography, and during sex it fails. With this, by the way, they often turn to a sexologist.
A typical problem is the lack of orgasm during sex, coital anorgasmia. According to my statistics, the total majority of intra-bed difficulties are associated with incorrect out-of-bed communication. A special case here is the so—called dysgamia, which is often defined by sexual incompatibility. In fact, we are talking about the predominance of the partners' desire to part. For example, a healthy woman complains that she does not reach orgasms with a healthy man. In the process of family counseling, it turns out that he is against children, and for her this is a fundamental value. But she also does not want to lose her beloved, as she once lost her father at an early age. By suppressing the need to discuss the topic of the child, she deprived herself of the opportunity to trust her partner on a sexual level. The body more honestly opposes the views of a man.
Another story: a young inexperienced girl enters into a relationship with a psychopathic person. These are quite complex people who resort to communicative manipulations alternately with idealization and devaluation. They blame others for their troubles, but they present themselves as clean — they are often called abusers and "toxics". I observed a healthy client who had vaginismus — an involuntary spasm of the vaginal muscles when the penis is inserted, which is accompanied by pain. The gynecologist threw up his hands, but later, when the couple broke up, the girl had these symptoms. It turned out that the former young man sought to subdue her, demanded to leave work, not to communicate with friends, to leave social networks. She met him halfway, but he made new demands, as is often the case with psychopathic tendencies.
Data Rosstat for 2017 shows that Russia is leading among other European countries in the number of registered marriages, but also ahead of everyone in the number of divorces. Both — in the first year of marriage. In my opinion, one of the reasons is sexual illiteracy, reaching obscurantism. Everyone has their own opinion about sexology, they do not believe specialists, doctors, psychologists, scientists. There is a total lack of sex light. Not to mention the fact that difficult economic conditions entail a stressful survival strategy, and this does not contribute to a prosperous sexual life. However, the problems are solvable: you just need to recognize them and seek help from a specialist without harmful self-medication.
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