Recipes for wiping
Medical advice that is regularly published in newspapers is often very beneficial to health. But not in the way you thought, but because five minutes of laughter replace a glass of sour cream. And I do not advise you to put them into practice. Here – only in yesterday's issue of just one "Newspaper in Ukraine" in the heading "health" two notes were published, suitable only for the purpose mentioned in the title. Comments to the text are highlighted in bold.
In the first article, at first everything seems to be fine, but the further into the forest, the thicker the partisans: 5 SIMPLE RULES WILL HELP TO PRESERVE POTENCY
Statistics say that 80.7% of men who have reached the age of seventy do not even think of quitting carnal pleasures, indulging in sexual fun at least once a week. What is the secret of the relentless potency?
Actually, in such cases, it would be nice to give a link - who collected these statistics and where they published them. Too often, behind the words "scientists have proved" there is nothing but the author's personal fantasy or another story that has been roaming the Internet for a year. Follow five simple rules and you can count on the same.
God save me from the relentless potency! This disease is called priapism – you will not wish such happiness to the enemy! DON'T TAKE BREAKS
It turns out that you can get out of the habit of sex! Switch to sports, work, watching the life of fish in an aquarium and gradually forget what is the difference between the bright joy of running a long distance and a short sprint in bed with a friend.
Instinct obeys the human will – and now, at the behest of the brain, testosterone production decreases, the desire arises less and less, and soon your bed is reliably associated with only one word – sleep. At risk: shy young men who have exchanged real life for the Internet, thirty-year-old careerists who have pushed aside personal affairs for business, and divorced men over forty.
Of course, almost every one of us has experienced forced abstinence. Military service, business trips, shift method of work, conflicts with a friend, finally – all this can interrupt sexual life for a week and months. But, as the famous sex therapist Shaurins says, "if a sailor returned home and everything turned out great with his wife at once, there is no doubt that there was no abstinence."
He is a folk healer, sorry, not a famous sex therapist, if he says that! Firstly, such a reservation can destroy family life. And it is completely groundless, because below is a simple and reliable method that allows you to get everything at once wonderful. A break of more than three months is a strong failure for the body, and – just like in a gym – it is necessary to make efforts to return to the previous indicators.
Curiously, with a strong sexual constitution, abstinence is more difficult to tolerate, but reactions (it seems that a couple of typos were made in this word) recover quickly. With a weak abstinence does not turn into such a difficult ordeal, but it becomes a difficult task to regain its former form.
In any case, if you can't do without breaks in sex, doctors recommend buying porn literature with high-quality illustrations during the period of loneliness and taking matters into your own hands at least once a week.
NIP THE DISEASE IN THE BUD
We are not talking about the most Terrible Scarecrows of Men – chronic prostatitis and prostate cancer (although contacting a urologist once a year and doing a PSA test, a specific prostate antigen, is the right approach to what is most dear to us).
We are also not talking about diseases with bird names that are treated in a dispensary (doctors are reluctant to talk about this, but the truth is: the potency of a patient with syphilis practically does not decrease).
No, I mean the usual inflammations and sores that don't seem to have anything to do with sex, but affect it directly. Try to make love when your head is filled with lead from high blood pressure, or heartburn is tormenting, or from an exacerbation of peptic ulcer like a brick in your stomach – and you will understand what we are hinting at.
A regular week of sobriety, a series of vitamins, ginseng tincture – to increase immunity. And don't let a single sore turn into a chronic one.
DON'T TRY TO SLEEP WITH HALF OF HUMANITY
Take, for example, the great helmsman Mao D Zedong. He firmly believed in the Taoist teachings that a man who slept with a thousand virgins would achieve immortality. Perhaps it was a poetic metaphor for the Taoists. However, Mao took everything literally and put this instruction into practice with the help of young girls regularly supplied to him by servants. Mao lived for a long time, 83 years, but in recent years he used girls for a completely different purpose: he used them to warm old bones.
Did you hold a candle for him? Comrade Mao (Ts ze, characteristically, dong, or Ts ze, but not D ze) was really married four times, but about the supply of virgins to the CPC Central Committee, first for its intended purpose, and then for poultices – are they not lies? Putin was also recently married without Putin…Why his device stopped functioning is not a mystery.
As doctors joke, every new woman is every new prostatitis.
You're a fool, medic, and your jokes are stupid! If there were at least 90% of the joke in this joke – count, comrades, how many prostatitis would you have? Is there really one? We all have our own individual microbe park.
If a couple constantly lives together, then their microbes get used to it, get used to it and get along well with each other.
How microbes will adapt to each other there are their personal microscopic difficulties. And their owners do not need to get used to non-pathogenic, normal alien microflora. Although it is different, it is safe. And the medical advice is to patiently adjust if one of the partners is a carrier of some kind of STD or opportunistic microbe that will bloom in the corresponding organs of another member of the couple - this is direct self-mutilation. If your desire is to pick up as many other microbial parks as possible, then there is no better way to unscrew your body.
DO NOT SKIMP ON CARESSES
In your youth, you're looking for someone to be prettier and talk less. The reaction to women is instantaneous: I looked – I got excited. Later, other qualities of a friend are much more important: her passionate temperament and sexual activity. Touched – responded.
And all why? Over the years, you begin to appreciate partnership: after all, sexual boredom, which is dragged along by habit, cannot be overcome alone. Any of us needs help. But how to get it, if you yourself have long accustomed a friend to instant artless copulation?
The Massachusetts Institute of Andrology investigated hundreds of men with complaints of sexual impotence. The patients differed greatly in social status and intelligence, but they also had something in common: they never bothered to prepare their partner for the act with caresses. But in vain!
Studies have shown that the vagina of an under-rinsed woman secretes a substance such as neuropeptide. It causes male impotence, however, not instantly, but as it accumulates. That is, there will be nothing for you to do once or twice with a woman's lack of care, but if you practice this for ten years, you will be powerless on the threshold.
Only shock doses of hormones, which are caused by kisses and caresses, can block the release of neuropeptides. That is, neuropeptics are a kind of female protection, a reaction to indifference and violence. Therefore, a lot of neuropeptics are secreted during the act by professional prostitutes who are never excited (note that for this microscopic substance, a condom is not an obstacle).
A regular lover of moths feels its harmful effects after five years. And absolutely monstrous doses of neuropeptics are received by a man who rapes a woman. By the way, rapists were also investigated at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. They all end up badly– in both senses of the word.
This is again a case of so-called lies (© Bassoon). NEUROPEPTIDES, approx. oligopeptides formed in the center. or peripheral. nervous system and regulating physiol. functions of the human and animal body... (© xumuk.ru ). There are dozens of different neuropeptides in the body, and the above study is a clear fruit of someone's inflamed imagination. EAT ON BUSINESS
Sexual energy can be increased literally with one chew. Miracle herbs grow right under your feet. Take ordinary parsley. Both she and cilantro cause an immediate guaranteed erection. But you need to know the measure. For a positive effect, one beam is enough, whereas exceeding the dose can lead to disastrous results.
You're confused, Dad! (© Vysotsky) Not a bunch, but a root, and not parsley-cilantro, but celery or horseradish, and not inside, but in the form of an application with a bandage or plaster. And with one chew – it's unlikely ... (© comrade. Sukhov). There is a case when a 50-year-old man, having married a young woman, ate parsley all day on the eve of the wedding night.
However, instead of exploits in bed, I spent the whole night looking for an imaginary lover in the apartment. The herb parsley is a hallucinogen.
So that's why only Caucasians sell this evil weed! And how the owners of gardening plots groan from the raids of narcs on the beds with parsley! Now I'll finish it – and go to the market, squeeze a couple of kilograms and look at the sky in diamonds. And this case is not just known – it is well-known. It is described in all textbooks of sexology and reference books of narcotic substances. There are two articles about this case in Encyclopedia Britannica: "Bullshit" and "Fairytale".Your daily diet should include unrefined carbohydrates and nuts (especially almonds), meat and dairy products or fish (proteins), sour fruits (vitamin C), green vegetables (vitamins B), olive oil (vitamin E), coarse bread or oatmeal (carbohydrates) and 60 g of nuts (biologically active substances).
A couple of times a week it is worth paying tribute to seafood (zinc and selenium). And to clean the small vessels, which are full of cholesterol in your working tool, eat strawberries and fresh (not last year's and not from compote) apples, Ukrindustrial reports.
Ukrindustrial (as far as I understand, the name of the author of the text)! Go on a diet of apples and strawberries: you clearly have small vessels in your brain completely clogged with cholesterol! It seems that you wrote the last piece of advice while chewing the twentieth bunch of cannabis, which was mistakenly sold to you instead of parsley – this is such nonsense that it is impossible to even comment on it! The second medical note from the same newspaper, composed by an author named UNIAN, is addressed to the rest of humanity.
And it is called simply and modestly: HOW TO REGAIN YOUTH
The overwhelming number of women are concerned about the rejuvenation of the body, as they want to preserve freshness and beauty for many years. It turns out that getting younger is not so difficult at all. And a simple folk medicine remedy will help us to rejuvenate, which will include honey, garlic and lemons.
So, in order to prepare this remedy, you will need to peel ten lemons, then squeeze the juice out of them. After that, you should turn ten heads of garlic into a pulp, then mix lemon juice and garlic and pour the resulting mixture with a kilogram of natural honey. All ingredients should be thoroughly mixed together.
Take this elixir of youth should be one teaspoon before meals three times a day. After taking this remedy, you should brush your teeth.
It should be noted that if you have increased acidity, then you are contraindicated to use this remedy. After you drink the prepared remedy for twenty days, you will notice that the skin will become more elastic, smooth out, the skin will also clear of acne, turn pink, and the surface of the nails will shine. Chronic fatigue will cease to haunt you, drowsiness will disappear, headaches will disappear, in addition, the severity of chronic diseases will noticeably decrease due to a noticeable increase in the cellular immunity of the body.
Please note: without brushing your teeth and with suspended acidity, you will not get younger! And if none of the promised miracles happen even with cleansing and pampered acidity, I will tell you the main secret that is missed in this recipe: during the entire course of rejuvenation, you can not think about a white monkey! (© X.Nasruddin) Otherwise it won't work! If you are near menopausal age, then you may be surprised by the return of menstruation, even if they have not been for several years.
If a lady in o-ko-lo-clo ... ugh, in short, in postmenopause, a few years after the termination of menstruation, notices a discharge similar to them – this is not a symptom of rejuvenation, but an excuse to fly to the oncological dispensary like a bullet. And if after the first twenty-day course and a ten-day break you prepare the medicine again and repeat the complex rejuvenation of the body, the effect will become even more noticeable.
UNIAN
And if it doesn't, write to the writer and copy–masters of this recipe who they are. Or ask some man to write for you: surely he knows more suitable words for this. A healthy skeptic
Portal "Eternal youth" www.vechnayamolodost.ru23.04.2008